How I Know I LOVE YOU!

I know I love you because I want to get you soup when you’re sick.I know I love you because I want to slap anyone who hurts you, even if it’s your boss. I want to hold you when you’re having a nightmare and kiss the spot that hurts when you bump into something. I know I love you because I want you to be healthy even when you’re not sick, and that’s why I keep bugging you to change your crappy eating ways even though I know you’re over hearing about it.

I know I love you because I worry about the stuff only people who love you worry about, like the amount of how much you drink when you’re sad and whether you’re getting enough vitamin B. Like probably more than your mom does, I’m not sure she especially cares about vitamin B. I know I love you because I freak out when you’re obviously disintegrating yet too stubborn and too “I’m fine” to actually go to the doctor, even though I do that sort of thing myself.

I know I love you because I think you’re beautiful even when you’re not. And I don’t mean good-looking, I mean beautiful, beautiful like there’s something pervasive and magnetic about you that comes through even when you look positively bad. I think you’re beautiful even when you’re hungover and puking your guts out.

I know I love you because I can’t abandon you, not even when you’re being a pain in the ass. Normally I don’t put up with that sort of behavior but I love you and I understand you’re stressed or frustrated, so I’ll let it slide for a little bit. But I also love you enough to call you out on it when it gets to be too much. I know I love you because only people who love you care to say something about your bad behavior instead of saying nothing and just calling you an asshole behind your back.

I know I love you because I want to listen, I really do. I don’t have anywhere to be that can’t wait for a while and I’m not checking my phone, in fact turned it off and buried it in the cushions the moment you said you needed me. I’m here for you and that other thing can wait.

I know I love you because I’m truly concerned with how your life turns out. It’s not just that I want you to “be happy” or attain that vague self-helpy “inner peace” bullshit we’re all supposed to aspire toward, I want you to express yourself and be fulfilled and feel like you’re living life for a good reason, not just passing the time. I want everything to work out for you the way it should and I want to be there for it,occasionally with champagne.

And I’m genuinely convinced that I love you because I want to do things for you that I don’t want to do for anyone, ever. That’s how I know I love you, and I hope you know it too.

Alcohol: The new TRUTH SERUM???

Ok. I have been thinking to write about this one for the longest time now.. I was recently at a friends place when the discussion about "How real you act or are when drunk"..And so started the discussion. Since i was not drunk, so it was interesting to listen to the points they had to say in their defence.

I will first discuss the point they spoke off and then come to my opinion on it(they said i was just "sitting on the fence". We will come to that a bit later).


It's complicated:

This thought was shared by a guy I have known for past 6 years now..He said that when a person is drunk he loses his inhibitions and lets his guard down. He also loses a lot of his rational judgement(big word). The thoughts and wishes that people have when they are sober come out when they are intoxicated. Many of us have seen the shy man who is afraid to talk to a woman when he is sober, but becomes an instant ladies man when fueled by alcohol. So in a nutshell he wanted us to believe that drunk confessions are true...


It's more of an exaggerated, uninhibited version of ourselves:

The other guy had some different thoughts on it. He said we potray ourselves the way we want to. Stuff that we can normally ball up inside of us and not show anyone. But when alcohol removes that filter, Mr. Nasty can come out and play.I wouldn't call Mr. Nasty our "true selves". He's one piece of our personality, and our true selves have enough wisdom and control to keep him hidden as much as possible.

I, like any other sober person was enjoying the conversation to the core, till the time I was asked for my opinion.. Hmm... my opinion... my point of view.. I agree that guys guard their feelings because they know that women can remember every little word in every unimportant conversation they ever had with anyone, and are quick to throw it up in their face at a moments notice just to win an argument.....therefore they learn quickly to keep their thoughts to themselves...alcohol just lowers their shields.

My point:

I have been at the receiving end of drunk dialing many times. Initially I thought it was all true, and trust me I still want to believe it, but sooner I realised I was just being a jerk(purely my thoughts)and the only suggestion that I can give is, if you want a man to confide in you, keep anything he ever says to yourself, and don't repeat it back to him, or anyone else.He may have liked you when he was drunk, it does not mean he feels the same when he is sober.

Alcohol is NOT a "truth serum".

Go by how he behaves when he is sober and NOT when he is drunk.

Stop SEARCHING

Soul Mates are MADE, not found

We have been told over and over again that if you want a successful marriage, then you’ve got to find the right person for you.
For example, we have the soul mate proponents telling us that there is that one perfect match just for you—all you have to do is find them—or attract them—apparently by sending out the right love vibes.
Does this strike anyone (besides me) as a bit unrealistic—that with billions of people on the face of the earth, we are going to bump into that one perfect match—the soul mate—and that once we do (serendipitously) bump into this perfect match, we are going to know this person as our soul mate when it happens?
And then we wonder why the rate of successful marriages is so low…
If this is what someone believes, what’s going to happen when there are some emerging struggles and difficulties in their marriage [please note—that is WHEN, not IF]?
With this type of belief, there really is no reasonable way to think (when the struggles and difficulties begin to happen in the marriage) except to conclude that this person that I married must not be that one right person for me.

And we have lots of people from failed marriages telling us that their marriage did not work out because they hadn’t found the right person for them.
And then we have a countless dating services telling us that they will help you find your perfect match—someone who matches your interests, your needs, your personality traits, your likes and dislikes.
Does this strike anyone (besides me) as a bit narcissistic—as if matching MY interests, MY needs, MY personality traits, MY likes and dislikes is what really matters if MY marriage is going to work?
The truth is, successful marriages depend more upon being the right person than they do on finding the right person.

Who is ever going to be able to be a soul mate with a jerk (or a jerkette)? Or a liar? A cheat? A manipulator? An Abuser?
Soul mates are made, not found.

The next time you meet a genuinely nice, good-hearted man or woman, choose to give them a little extra time, attention, and consideration.
Those we love have a unique power to influence how we feel about life and about ourselves, and genuinely nice, good-hearted people are much more apt to exercise that power for the better.
In the hands of a genuinely nice, good-hearted person, we are much more likely to feel good about life and about ourselves.
Soul mates are made, not found.

Just Slow

Is there someplace we could go

and take it really slow
and I mean,

every step
every kiss
every touch
so we don’t miss

a thing…

It would be great if it were outdoors
where there’s grass and-not-floors
or maybe sand on a sunny beach
where we could both lay down and reach,

for each other
under a soft silky cover
and touch,

the places we that we dream
and giggle out loud
and muffle our sensual-screams
when we hit pleasure…

since it’s our way to measure

every step
every kiss
every touch
so we don’t miss

a thing…

The thing about going slow
is that you truly get-to-know
where your body it surrenders
in the places where you’re tender

where hands and fingers roam
guided by soft and quiet moans
a whisper without words
saying something that gets blurred

between kisses…

getting buttons undone real slow
makes the sexual tension start to grow
our minds are saying hurry
get our clothes off and do not worry

I feel your heart begin to race
The excitement rushes to my face
Our bodies are set to go
teamed against our going slow

There’s the anxiousness to rush
From your tender lips there is a hush
You want me to come inside
There’s no way I’m going to hide,

every step
every kiss
every touch
so we don’t miss

a thing…

To Hell and Back :)

To Hell and Back :)

The Personal Nightmare

It happened in 2008: When my Ex broke up with me (3 years is too late I know). It was like the whole world as I knew it, collapsed. I couldn’t function properly for weeks or months may be. It was as though someone had stolen something vitally important for survival from me – something that I could not exist without.

I couldn’t stand the pain or the thought that he wasn’t by my side anymore. I made him the center of my life and now that he was gone, what was left to live for?

I had no perspective, no joy in life – all the things I once liked to do stopped being attractive. In fact, I had no interest in doing anything besides lying around or sleeping. And sleeping lost its benefits due to extremely painful dreams that renewed the initial pain each time I went to sleep.

Luckily for me, I intuitively felt the necessity for No-Contact -a rule which I broke only after an year.

Breaking this No-Contact rule was terrible and extremely painful – to talk to that stranger who was my great love once upon a time. The pain was much worse after this, and I needed several weeks to reach the level I was at before the No-Contact break.

Recovery - Happening

Then suddenly it got better. I clearly felt an improvement in my overall state.

What happened?

I have to make a decision.

Standing at a crossroads, I have to make the decision whether to go left or right.

Turning left would mean to continue with this pathetic existence without joy and perspective – an existence that equals death. Turning right meant to change, and eventually head towards a new and better life.

I consciously want to take that step into change. I have to decide that I couldn’t go on like this. All of it would mean: accepting the fact that it is over and letting go.

Will it feel good? I felt an instant release.

Yes, it means accepting that he would never come back. Yes, it meant saying goodbye to that golden future together that I had painted so well in my mind. Yes, it meant standing up and taking back what was mine – even if it meant that I had to kick myself every day.

The Painful Road Ahead

I had to go through all the painful phases – through the depression, the missing, the anger, the lonely nights where I wondered if he slept alone, the guilt, the endless times I checked e-mails, messages, picked up the phone and hung up again.

It is like two steps forward, one step back.

Its going to be very difficult. I have one bad problem: I am constantly rethinking and reliving the past, and every time I try to block my thoughts, I feel guilty. As if not thinking about him was some kind of betrayal.

It was impossible to let go while I kept him alive in my mind.

The Secret Of Mind-Control- Under Construction

I remember the last time I visited some friends, (which happened last week), and I forced myself to NOT think about him for one hour.

Only for one hour.

It may seem laughable, but it is nearly impossible to carry out. I committed to not beat myself up or feel guilty if I didn’t make it the hour.

But it worked. I made it – one hour without thinking about my Ex.

This was a real victory.

With time I will expand the time frame more and more.

The less I will think about him, the more I will be able to let go.

Back to Life

Insecurities catch you unawares. And I thought I was really strong. Rational at least. So why do I get hit almost worse than others, when I think about my best friend's new best friend, my latest crush, my ex boyfriend's new love(rs) and all such? I feel miserable, and I feel stupid and petty and jealous, all for nothing really. My clear-headedness to see things for what they are, should save the day, but no. instead I almost double over with a helpless feeling of utter hatred, sadness and contempt for myself and the person. End up wallowing in self-pity, which is against the very nature that makes me. Can't do nothing, logic doesn't help, and I have enough to fill a swimming pool at such moments.
But that's in the past. The good news is, I just managed to get out of it. A few realizations brought about when I’m relatively calmer, helped.

The thing is, my relationships with other people should only be judged for their own merits. And their relationships with people other than myself, is again, separate from what they share with me. I don't know why I’m writing this down here, but it's important I don't forget for the sake of my own sanity. We are the only ones who can kill ourselves. No one else can. No one can hurt us if we don't allow it. But that's a different story. Most often, people close to us aren't looking to hurt us at all. They just don't think of us all the time. You can't expect them to. I don't think of every other person I share a relationship with, for everything I do. They form a general background, a trust I shall never break, a sacred thing, not up for discussion at the moment. Only because what's happening right now, what I’m doing has no real relation to them. I would only stop, think and not proceed with whatever I’m doing, if I know it'll hurt them and if it is really directly connected, and not just good for the person's ego. And I shall know. It’s nicer to credit people you share relationships, with the same sort of trust. Then you are good. Trusting is easier. People usually live up to it. Also, it immensely helps your well-being if you can go to bed easy, without carrying stupid, unnecessary, unconnected hang-ups. Often, it's only a frame of mind. Not a real danger at all. We are quicker to judge, doubt, and slower to trust or appreciate, even if the latter two are actually more appropriate for the situation. I’m trying this out. It really helps.

Despite all this, sometimes irrationality overpowers you. You just need to have some good TLC, and understanding, from a few people close to you, to get through.

I am Scared

24 years is a long time. Its nearly a quarter of a century. Its a long time. So it is kind of scary when after twenty four years you dont know where you are headed.I have absolutely no idea. Sometimes I panick about life escaping through my fingers like the sands of time. I am scared that life will pass by and I wont be able to climb on fast... that I'll be left alone on a cold, old station with all my baggage, staring at an empty track, knowing with absolute certainity that I missed the last train, the only train. But then I am scared that I might actually get on the train and end up getting pushed, punched, and kicked..that I might end up getting lost in the crowd.

I am scared that I might find all the answers. I am scared that I might not.

I am scared of relationships. There, I said it. Life is okay as long as it's not about others. Sadly, it is always about others. Parents, siblings, friends, lovers, teachers, aquaintances. How lovely would it be to live for yourself, I wonder. How profoundly satisfying would it be to dance in the rain in the middle of a busy highway...without the fear of getting hit? Without the fear of getting branded..without the fear of being called "crazy". How lovely would it be to do things for no reason except that you feel like it.
I am scared of expectations. I m scared of making people unhappy...or making myself happy. When I am too content, I risk upsetting the "OTHER". So I practice restraint. I am never too happy. I live doing things that are expected. I mould myself in the traditional cone kept ready for me so that I come out in the exact shape and size envisaged for me. I rarely smile when I m happy. I smile when I want to pretend that I am happy. I think that's perfectly normal.
I am scared of commitment. Nothing is as flickering as a human's nature. I am scared of promises. I am scared of Dreams. I am scared of "happily ever after".. that I will someday, for sure, find out that it does not exist..that someday the myth will be destroyed. Someday I wil have to face the truth that the greek masters were right..that we are condemned to lose ..we are condemned to live. No matter how we fight we will lose in the hands of fate.. and that's a mathematical certainity.

I am scared. I am scared of Fear. The black hole of Fear in my life keeps expanding and engulfing everything around me. I am scared that one day it will engulf me too and all that would be left of me, would be those tiny fragments of unlived fantasies, unexplored dreams, and the Unsaid.

I am too damn scared to Live.