To Hell and Back :)

To Hell and Back :)

The Personal Nightmare

It happened in 2008: When my Ex broke up with me (3 years is too late I know). It was like the whole world as I knew it, collapsed. I couldn’t function properly for weeks or months may be. It was as though someone had stolen something vitally important for survival from me – something that I could not exist without.

I couldn’t stand the pain or the thought that he wasn’t by my side anymore. I made him the center of my life and now that he was gone, what was left to live for?

I had no perspective, no joy in life – all the things I once liked to do stopped being attractive. In fact, I had no interest in doing anything besides lying around or sleeping. And sleeping lost its benefits due to extremely painful dreams that renewed the initial pain each time I went to sleep.

Luckily for me, I intuitively felt the necessity for No-Contact -a rule which I broke only after an year.

Breaking this No-Contact rule was terrible and extremely painful – to talk to that stranger who was my great love once upon a time. The pain was much worse after this, and I needed several weeks to reach the level I was at before the No-Contact break.

Recovery - Happening

Then suddenly it got better. I clearly felt an improvement in my overall state.

What happened?

I have to make a decision.

Standing at a crossroads, I have to make the decision whether to go left or right.

Turning left would mean to continue with this pathetic existence without joy and perspective – an existence that equals death. Turning right meant to change, and eventually head towards a new and better life.

I consciously want to take that step into change. I have to decide that I couldn’t go on like this. All of it would mean: accepting the fact that it is over and letting go.

Will it feel good? I felt an instant release.

Yes, it means accepting that he would never come back. Yes, it meant saying goodbye to that golden future together that I had painted so well in my mind. Yes, it meant standing up and taking back what was mine – even if it meant that I had to kick myself every day.

The Painful Road Ahead

I had to go through all the painful phases – through the depression, the missing, the anger, the lonely nights where I wondered if he slept alone, the guilt, the endless times I checked e-mails, messages, picked up the phone and hung up again.

It is like two steps forward, one step back.

Its going to be very difficult. I have one bad problem: I am constantly rethinking and reliving the past, and every time I try to block my thoughts, I feel guilty. As if not thinking about him was some kind of betrayal.

It was impossible to let go while I kept him alive in my mind.

The Secret Of Mind-Control- Under Construction

I remember the last time I visited some friends, (which happened last week), and I forced myself to NOT think about him for one hour.

Only for one hour.

It may seem laughable, but it is nearly impossible to carry out. I committed to not beat myself up or feel guilty if I didn’t make it the hour.

But it worked. I made it – one hour without thinking about my Ex.

This was a real victory.

With time I will expand the time frame more and more.

The less I will think about him, the more I will be able to let go.